The Worst Gambling Deals: An Illustrated Guide

At Kotaku Australia, we have a dedicated team of writers who are on a tireless mission to find the best gaming-related deals for you to break the bank. On the other hand, no one is looking for the worst deals.

Today, on this beautiful and buxom big Thursday, I decided to take it upon myself and do 5 weeks of uninterrupted research into what might be the worst gambling related deals available on the market. I did this because I see people spending money, and it worries me. Some shit people buy is scary and stupid, and I’m here to fix it.

Of course, this is not financial advice. I’m not a financial expert and I’m not even good with my money. Just last week I was stopped on my way to work by what I thought was a local bridge troll, who insisted I pay the troll toll. I didn’t have cash on me so he suggested I pay by card. I said, “How, troll?” and he pulled out a Square Reader. I tapped, not knowing the toll, and found $1000 withdrawn from my bank account and sent to ‘PETER HELLIAR’. I haven’t seen the troll since.

Anyway, now that I’m done with my research, I’m here to tell you the 5 worst gambling deals you could possibly spend your money on, in order of most expensive to least expensive. Believe me, buster, it is NOT worth it!

An image of a fake Goldeneye 64 cartridge

Price: 30 ETH (707 $07.99 AUD, as of 2022-09-15 4:30 PM AEST)

Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

This is a photo of a fake cartridge from Goldeneye 64. The cartridge was made by a scammer and did not work.

When whoever took the picture used it in his Nintendo 64 he kind of played the entire US version of Kath and Kim, a canceled TV show that came out years after the Nintendo 64.

The image itself does not play either GoldenEye 64, and is covered in grease stains and mysterious liquid. It is somehow never dry and always wet.

Your favorite arcade cabinet from your childhood, but when you turn it on you find out that someone has filled it with cum

Price: AUD $1,200 (non-refundable, the seller will blame you for the sperm)

The Worst Gambling Deals: An Illustrated Guide
Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

You remember your favorite arcade game Donkle Konk? Remember when you went to the local arcade with your quarters and played Donkle Konk until the cows come home?

Now you can have Donkle Konk at home, with the same machine you used when you were a child. However, it’s not obvious until it’s arrived at your home and plugged in that it’s not playable.

Why is it not playable? Simple. The game has been removed and in its place is sperm. You have no idea how long it took to not only find all that cum, but how they got it in the first place.

3 copies of Clock 2 for PlayStation 5

Price: $600 AUD (also non-refundable and legally locked for buyer)

The Worst Gambling Deals: An Illustrated Guide
Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

Clock 2 is a PlayStation 5 “game” where you can have a clock on your PlayStation 5. It costs $300 for the physical version, but you can purchase 3 copies for $600.

The only catch is that you won’t be able to pay them back. You cannot resell them. You won’t be able to give any to your friends. Once you spend that stupid amount of money, you’ll never get rid of 3 copies of Clock 2.

This is the watchmaker’s conception.

An angry cassowary on the loose in your home

Price: $5 (but you could also pay with your life)

The Worst Gambling Deals: An Illustrated Guide
Image: RobertDowner/iStock/Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

It may seem like a lot, but this angry cassowary is not compatible with any console.

It’s just an ordinary cassowary. From your local EB Games, you can spend $5 to have an angry cassowary placed in your home. We don’t know why EB Games is selling this or providing the service.

Of course, it’s cheap. However, you could be mauled to death by a cassowary. On top of that, there is also no HDMI port in the cassowary.

A one-night stand with Scrooge McDuck that will end with a few disappointing minutes of love before he dies

Price: Free, but not worth it

The Worst Gambling Deals: An Illustrated Guide
Image: Ruby Innes/Kotaku Australia

The only price you will have to pay is the rest of your sanity.

You don’t want to do that. Scrooge McDuck is not only old as shit, he is also a selfish lover. He doesn’t care about your pleasure, and he almost doesn’t seem to care about his. I think it’s really just some weird rich duck thing.

Moreover, he will absolutely die in the end. He’ll promise you for it, and stick to his promise and fucking die in the climax. Sure, you could somehow grant a dying duck’s wish, but is it worth it?

No.

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